Thursday, 14 January 2010


Have I mentioned that we have a mouse?

Well....I think we still do, no one has seen him for roughly a week now, which, you may be surprised to hear....doesn't please my landlord Grant at all.

The reason it doesn't please him is because this suggests that Ralph (that's his name) has a hole that he's getting in and out of. We had been trying to convince ourselves that he'd just snuck in one day when we left the front door open a bit too long.

Ralph made his first appearance on the first REALLY cold night we had, when it started to snow. I looked up when I saw something move around in the kitchen out of the corner of my eye, and there he was, sniffing around the compost bin. He is quite cute actually, as mice go, VERY tiny!

Grant and I discussed whether we should leave a saucer of milk and some biscuits out for him, we decided against it on the basis that mice are PESTS!! and that we're clearly both idiots.

Being humane, we decided that a humane trap was the way to go, with my housemate Katrin protesting that only the killing ones will do, they're too clever for the humane ones....but you have to try....right?

We weren't, however, adverse to bringing one of the neighbouring whiskered killing machines round to have a sniff. After all, that's just nature right? And we'd convinced ourselves that we'd just rescue poor Ralph after he'd been 'stunned' by the kitty.

Stunned, yes, that's correct. Then we'd put him in a warm little bed, tuck him up, and feed him warm milk from a marigold glove with a hole in the end till he was nice and fat, and then let him frolick off in the snow.......

.......where he'd go and tell all his mates how stupid we are and return with an army of comrades to take over the house with their massive mouse brains.

Needless to say...the humane trap hasn't worked, and we've seen him again since it was put there. Grant put chocolate in the trap (we've been reliably informed this works best), and it STILL didn't work!!! Even Grant's little chocolate trail leading to the gaping maw of the plastic house that smells like human....didn't work. Maybe it's because he's called Ralph....not Hansel.

I HAVE tried the kitty approach. There's no point bringing Dizzy from next door in. If you remember Mornington from an earlier post, well, Mornington is a slender supermodel compared to fat Dizzy. Dizzy is also old and lazy! Plus, she's far too talkative, Ralph would hear her coming a mile off, as if the monstrous thudding wasn't giveaway enough.

FELIX is the one we need, young, lithe, a hunter, a mouse killing machine, well oiled, sexeh!! Apparently only in the cartoons, Felix promptly curled up under the radiator.

Killing machine my ARSE! Useless animals! Mornington or Lucy would have 'ad Mr. R. Mouse in seconds!

So.....we're conscious that Ralph should be apprehended before he decides to move in with his army/ an inhumane killing machine may be in order :(

If it works, we'll hold a small rodent funeral in the garden, it won't be the first time in my life, but that's a story for another day.

Please....please do feel free to post your thoughts and best wishes regarding Mr Mouse, I shall read them out at his burial. You could also post any foolproof humane mouse-trapping techniques if you'd like to avoid the funeral scenario altogether, I have some quiet weekends coming up now I'm zooless...I'll need something to keep me busy.

Just don't ask me to dress up as a lady-mouse, I know it's been a while, but I'm not that desperate yet!


  1. LMAO. Thank you for that, I was feeling uppity all day but that post really made me laugh.

    Here's my words to Mr. Mouse:

    Dear Mr. Mouse,

    So long, farewell. Here's to the next life, perhaps you will come back as a species less persecuted; something furry and loveable like a dog. Unless you live in China. And then you might get eaten.

    xxx R.I.P.

  2. That's beautiful, it brought a tear to my eye.

    If you believe in reincarnation then considering how long mice live, it shouldn't be too long before he returns in a new guise.

    That's what I'm telling myself anyway...

  3. That said, you'll never know if he's been dying and coming back over and over again to the same house. :T