Sprogs Guide to finding and keeping a man

My god I feel like a right mingerling this morning, I know why I drink beer not wine :(

Anyway, enough of that whinging, my own fault after all.

Last night, whilst consuming a mediocre (by our standards) quantity of wine, Jo and I got to reflecting...as we often do...on our state of singleness. It's a constant source of confusion to us, I mean....why? Lovely young ladies such as ourselves! I thought I'd jot down a few thoughts.

Here is a list of things we think will make men love us:

- Stalking them through every technological medium possible. It's not enough unless you're friends with them on facebook, Myspace, Bebo and Hi5. You must be following them on Twitter and have managed to convince THEM to follow YOU on Twitter. Their webpage/blog must be in your internet history, their mobile number on your phone...for those ill-advised late night embarrassments. Their call history MUST evidence a series of 'missed calls', and they must have at least one text you sent them 'accidentally'. On MSN you must contact them within 5 seconds of their logging on.

- You must at all times be displaying an inordinate amount of cat-fuzz upon your person. It shows you are an animal lover and that your immune system is STRONG thereby making you a favourable bearer of children.

- You must at every opportunity demonstrate your magnificent capacity for beer. There is nothing a man likes more than a woman who can sink 5 pints without blinking and then stagger to the toilet, rebounding off the walls less than four times in total.

- Every conversation must have a reference to sex in it, just so that the men-folk know you're a little bit desperate and well up for it. Men are slightly dim and so if they don't get the hint, start accompanying said references with seductive winks. This works up until about pint No.4 when you lose your sense of coordination and start to resemble a horny mole, emerging, blinking into the sunlight.

- You must eat Domino's at least once a week so there's always that intriguing fug of garlic around you. Plus it keeps the vampires away.

Once we have said man, these are the things we must do to keep him:

- Text, call, msn and email constantly. Start a fun poking war on Facebook.

- Go through his phone and delete all his female friends phone numbers. You must be stealthy, start with the ones you don't think he'll miss and work from there. Make sure you get the ones he's slept with....which is clearly all of them.

- Introduce yourself to his mother, eventually you'll be such firm friends that you can go round and have tea together and wait for him to come home from work. Men love this.

- Get him to make friends with your cat, even if he doesn't love you, he'll be heart-broken at having to leave the animal.

- Start taking things from his house and bringing them to yours. It's not thieving, it's nesting, and it'll make him feel wonderfully at home in YOUR home. And then you'll get married.

I could go on, but I shan't, I don't want to give away all my tricks now do I??!!

Can anyone hazard a guess as to why Becki and Jo are still single? I'm not sure what we're doing wrong.

Now.....where's that cat?