Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Teddy-Bear Psychology 101

You may have seen a recent story in the news debunking the 'butter-side-down' school of science. This school aims to solve all those unanswered questions like....does a dropped piece of toast ALWAYS fall butter side down? What is the perfect length of time to boil a boiled egg? If you put 173,862 budgies in a room with a palette of oil paints....will they eventually recreate the Mona Lisa?

Well......all this hoo-hah, I believe, is down to snooty academics thumbing their noses at yet another practice they deem to be below themselves, how very dare these people tarnish the prestigious reputation of academia with such nonsense? I for one think that the 'butter-side-downers' fill an important niche! I want to know how many budgies it takes to recreate the Mona Lisa!! Most of all I'd rather that some crackpot scientists are spending time answering these questions rather than percieving bread falling butter side down as a divine punishment for the sins of mankind, for He is omniscient and omnipresent *wags finger*

SO!! It is for this reason that I have decided to contribute my own 'work' to the 'butter side downers'. I believe I would fall nicely into this side of academia (yes....academia, suck on that Professoré), I have many zany ideas for things that can be researched, and one of them came to me the other day as I was clearing up my room (shoving everything under the bed so I had a patch of floor to stand on). Does one's collection of cuddly toys reflect ones personality and /or psychology? Seeing as people rarely buy these toys for themselves and are instead presented with them at festivals such as 'Christmas' or 'Birthday', or even, heaven forbid....'Valentines', do they in fact reflect what your friends and family think of you? I decided to conduct a preliminary investigation amongst my own collection.

I know I know, those of you out there with even the faintest hint of a scientific background will realise this is RIDDLED with problems. The biggest one being, I'm in charge of deciding what my own psychology is and whether my cuddlies reflect it, obviously I think I'm great, because I am *preens*, and so this is hardly objective, lets give it the benefit of the doubt for now though!

Ok, here's my first set of cuddlies, I have grouped them into.....groups.....that will possibly make no sense whatsoever, preliminary remember!!

Traditionalish Teddies

You may recognise these as Me To You bears. You only recieve Me To You bears if you're great and people love you. As you can see....I have six.

I'm tempted to leave it there, but for the sake of clarity I shall continue.

The person who owns six Me to You bears (me) is someone who inspires feelings of love and affection in others be it through intelligent conversation, loving moments, friendly banter....or superb sexual technique....they make you LOVE them! As if the sheer number were not enough, take the big guy on the far left with the green cast on his leg. You will NEVER find another bear like this one in the world. In November 2007 I broke my foot in a stupid accident and was stuck in a cast for 6 weeks, over my birthday and everything. My cast was green. My mate Vicky works in a vet surgery, and she bought me this little fella and put an exact replica of my cast on his foot. Ladies and that not love and devotion?

People buy Me to You Bears for GREAT people! I'm great.

Cartoon Cuddlies

These are the domain of those who spend far too many a happy childhood hour wandering around the Disney store, trailing fraught parents, demanding every second item they came across. Unfortunately they closed the Disney Store last year and so that wonderful tradition was forced to an end....mum won't take me to the one in Covent Garden :(. People with cartoon cuddlies have a sensitive side, they feel the need to identify with something they recognise, they want to know the personality of inanimate bag of rags they're conversing with or having tea parties with.

People buy cartoony toys for those they deem cheerful, fun loving people. Unless it's Eeyore. If it's Eeyore it's because they think you're maternal, Eeyore looks like he needs some looking after, a bit of love and attention. If you buy someone an Eeyore it says more about you than it does about them.

You'll notice I have an Eeyore, I do have a....I hesitate to use the word 'maternal' and I'll use 'clucky' instead.......clucky side. I don't have to know someone very long before I'm trying to feed them and make sure they get home ok and don't get cold, 'Put your coat on! Shall I make you a sandwich for the trip? Text me when you get home.....don't talk to strangers', and THAT'S just the one-night stands.

Realistic Cuddlies

You'll notice I've separated the cephalopod from the mammals, it's the biology student in me, I'm sorry, I'm just THAT scientific. I never promised this would make sense.

The person who owns toys like this has a serious side, they don't NEED to be constantly amused by the silliness of the cartoon cuddly. They rise above the soulless grins of the Winnie the Pooh's and reach out for the cool elitism of the (slightly more) anatomically correct cuddly. Anyone who owns a cuddly cephalopod certainly has a very serious side, personally, I'm disgusted at my cephalopods lack of ink sac, internal shell and capacity for jet propulsion.....but I suppose there's only so much you can do with a stuffed octopus.

I shall confess, I bought the octopus and the gorilla myself, the ruffed lemur and giraffe came from Jobie as a peace-offering one day. I'm tempted to talk about how people who buy other people animal cuddlies are sensitive to the recipients respect and love of nature, and their appreciation for the beauty of the animals form. However, the fact is she bought them in the hopes I wouldn't shout at her and hate her worked.....despite being serious, people with animal cuddlies are also shallow and easily placated.

And last but not least....

Yes, that is a tiny penis......a tiny tiny teddy bear penis.

This was purchased for me by an ex-boyfriends sister. I'm not sure what stories he had been telling her, but they were clearly all true. I'll let you make up your own mind about how this may reflect my psychology.....and exactly how it was that Salas's sister thought of me.

I hope you have enjoyed your magical mystery tour of Sproglets Psyche. I'd very much appreciate an Ig Nobel Award for my efforts once I have honed my technique and gathered enough results for statistical analysis :). Do feel free to email me your own stuffed animals, I shall take the time to give you an in depth analysis of your personality. I know you can hardly wait.


  1. This is incredible insight. WOW. My teddy pics will be with you immediately if not sooner...

    I was upset but not surprised by the Teddy Smutnuts.

    You are lovely and great. I can vouch for that! xxx

  2. I shall have harsh words with Ted for upsetting you, his behaviour disturbs me somewhat also.

    I'm sure your teddy pics will reveal how great you are, hidden depths of wonderment, fabulousness and amazingstuff!!

    Tell you own an Eeyore??